I’ve been thinking for awhile, noticing, how I’m chasing experiences. The last year and a half nomading, seeking new novel experiences. I think it’s beneficial, up to a point. But its easy to get caught in a hedonic loop if you just keep seeking bigger, newer, more novel, more exciting experiences.
Nomading, and travel in general, can be a very useful tool for disrupting patterns.
So this COVID thing, being stuck here in MKE, this is the universe saying “Hellooooo” (in that pissed off teenager voice) “you’re starting to chase experiences.”
Why, why do I need variety?
I feel like I get these ambitions in my head, I’m going to do this, accomplish this, I’m going to curate for 20 hrs this week instead of the 15 I’ve been doing while in the Academy. And I get really caught up into getting these things done, advancing my life. And I start to stress out, I start drinking coffee, trying to force myself to work on things I don’t really want to do. Because it’s part of my plan, to get there, get to that place where… what exactly, what’s going to happen when I get there?
Some illusory future where things are somehow better, where the sacrifice I paid to get there is well worth it.
Instead of not struggling, not trying to force reality into this plan I concocted in my head of how things are supposed to turn out.
Why, why do I need movement and nature to thrive?
Cuz when I’m moving and in nature, the volume of my thoughts is turned down. It’s easier to think. It’s easier to relax.
Ok, that’s lovely, but why?
Why do I get so wrapped up in my plans? I stop making decisions based on what feels right in my gut, and instead make a calculated decision based on meeting the schedule of the plan.
I distort my rhythm from nature’s rhythm.
Ok, but why? What does that mean?
I get fuzzy, my mind becomes this buzzing box of weighing, calculating, judging things based on how they will advance the plan.
You have to make a plan, sketch it out, then step back and let the chaos of life fill it in.
So yeah, COVID, this is a chance to look within. For all of us, we literally, physically, have nowhere else to go. Might as well stop and look at our shit.
I mean, we’re all tired of going through this same shit over and over again, right?
I betcha both Republicans and Democrats can be united in feeling fed up with the same old bullshit from our politicians over and over and over again.
We’re mad, because our leaders are failing us. But we’re also mad because we’re failing ourselves.
Or we feel like we’re failing ourselves. Because we have some idea that things should be some other way.
Where does that come from? I feel like it’s inherited, socially, culturally, this idea that things are not as they should be.
I think it started off as things could be better. Then things kept getting better, and better, and better, but we’re not getting any happier.
That’s why I kinda consider myself a Dudeist. Or at least heavily influenced by Dudeism.
Just calm down man. Calm down with the plan.
With a bit of trickster inside also. Health Ledger’s Joker, the scene in the hospital with Harvey Dent, talking about the plan, how everyone’s fine as long as things are going with the plan.
There are a few ways I identify with the Joker, and that kinda scares me.
But I don’t think violence against of people is ever the solution.
That’s it, I agree with his description of the problem, but I wholeheartedly disagree with his solution. Although I can understand how he came to his solution, based on the life he lead (talking about Jaoquin Phonex’s joker now).
That’s why I say I more identify with the trickster. I kinda feel this urge to stir the pot a little. Coming back to the states from Costa Rica, people take shit so seriously here, they’re so determined to be pissed off. I kinda just want to fuck with them to get them to snap out of it.
Like do or say weird things that will make them stop and say ‘huh’?
Why do I keep chasing novelty? Why do I feel like I need novel situations? That’s what COVID-19 is going to teach me. What’s it going to teach you?